Bloody White Rose
by AngelofDeathFanfictions
Summary: PHAN. Warning: self harm, charactor death (or two), suicide. Dan is hurt, Phil is hurting too. Rated M for later chapters. Danisnotonfire and Amazingphil I do not own them. My first fanfiction. Rate, comment, constructive criticism appreciated. Thx.
1. Chapter 1

Sad. That is how I feel. Sad. And angry. I lost him. The only person that I ever truly loved is dead and I couldn't help him. Sad and angry, but not scared. Just... sad and angry.. and alone.

Dan POV (Earlier that day)

I was sitting in my bedroom, again. This was the third time this week I had to come and think, just to keep from doing it again. I stared intently at the bedroom door. I could have easily just walked over to it, opened it, went to the bathroom, shutting the door, and taken out my hidden blade, ignoring Phil's pleas to open up. But, i couldnt. Not with Phil in the living room. Not with Phil there to stop me.

So I waited, and waited, until Phil's beautiful voice rang out from the living room. "Dan! Im heading to the shop." I called back an answer and I listened for him to leave. Apon hearing the door shut, i swiftly ran to the bathroom. I didnt bother locking the now slightly ajar door, being that i would probably hear Phil walk in.

Climbing into the bath, I took off the loose tile from the wall, behind it was 3 blades. The first, a small blade, only able to leave small cuts behind, this one i often used for small, quick punishments, when Phil was around. The second, a large, almost a butcher sized, knife. This one often met my wrists when i did something or thought something completely dirty, and only if Phil was leaving for an hour or two. The third, my favorite, was a medium sized, ordinary kitchen knife. It was small enough that i could use it when Phil was asleep or only gone for a few minutes, but large enough to be a valid punishment for the, now, everyday thoughts i was having.

That was the knife i grabbed as i sat on my knees, on the floor of the bathroom, next to the bath.


	2. Chapter 2

PHIL POV

'Dan! I'm heading to the shop!' I yelled into Dan's room. He shouted back an answer and I left. Not even 2 minutes later, I realized that i had left my wallet at home. Of course. Suddenly, i turned around and sauntered back. I entered via the front door. I heard noises from the bathroom. Sharp breaths. It sounded scary.

Silently, I moved towards the bathroom. The door was slightly ajar. I peeked through the crack and saw Dan, facing away from me, on his knees, next to the bath. I was just about to ask if he is ok when, i saw a glint of silver metal, followed by his sharp inward breath and blood. I realized there was a lot of it.

My hands were suddenly over my mouth and I fell backwards, onto the floor.

DAN POV

I heard a sudden gasp followed by a thud. Shocked, I looked behind me and saw Phil, staring at me. He was on the verge of tears and he looked scared. He kept trying to speak, but, the words caught in his throat. He looked like a wounded animal, my Phil. Knife falling from my hand, I spun completely around. Tears began to fall from both our eyes. Not knowing what else to do, we just sat, on the floor, crying. Blood still gushing out of my cuts. I reached for him but he backed away from me. 'W-w-why?' He managed to say. It was weak and overcome with sadness.

'I- I-.' I stumbled over my words again and again. How many times had i rehearsed it? But, now that I was there, how was i supposed to tell Phil how i felt?

What I really should have said was, "Phil, ever since I first saw you, I loved you. Not as a friend, or even a brother, but I loved you as more. And I cut because, well, I knew you could never love me back. I punish myself everyday for loving you.".

But I didn't. No, I didn't choose the right words. I said something completely different. And i didn't realize how fragile Phil was. What i said was...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3- Phil'sPOV**

"You! I cut because of you! Phil, you are fucking up my head! Fuck!" Then he ran passed me and out the door. I cried even harder and began to sob. Dan. He. Hates. Me. I am hurting him by just being here. Dan's blade... I cannot hurt him any longer. Just, let it be quick.

**Dan POV**

Why did I say that? I love Phil. He is screwing with my head, sure. But i do not cut because of him. No. I cut because _**I **_ am not good enough for him.

I spun on my heel and ran back to the flat. Its been a good 5 minutes since i left. Hopefully, things will go back to normal. God. I love him.

_**Sorry, my demons, for such a short chapter. I promise that the next one will break the most of you! Don't forget to follow, like, and review. I promise it helps me. As always, keep fighting!**_

_-Kit_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Dan's POV

I opened the door and walked into the flat. Complete silence. Not even the sound of footsteps. Making sure Phil could hear it, but without slamming it, I closed the door. Nothing. "Phil?" I called out. Still, there was nothing. That's when I should have turned around and ran. I should have gotten the hell out. But, I didn't know what I would have seen. I kept walking, deeper and deeper, into the dark, desolate flat.

As I ventured on, I saw the bathroom light still on. "Phil?" I asked, as I turned the corner. I didn't see him, no. Not yet. The stench of fresh blood hit me first. It was strong, almost overcoming, and metallic. I had to close my eyes; the scent was so strong. I could almost see the red through the back of my eyelids. A crash of thunder sounded off; I hadn't even realized it was raining. But, I opened my eyes. And I collapsed into a pile of nothing.

I felt like just a body, no soul, no hope. Because, when I opened my eyes, I saw Phil. His eyes were closed and there was blood everywhere. Phil Lester was so pale. If anything, he looked like a bloody white rose. Pale, flawless, and covered in blood. I had no reason to believe he was even still alive. I crawled forwards, on my hands and knees, begging God to please let me wake up from this horrendous version of a nightmare. But I didn't. I was awake. It was real. My phone, which had been in my pocket this entire time, was my only salvation. I had to think and move quickly. I called for an ambulance and began checking for a pulse.

It isn't like you see on television. It's not all happening in slow-motion. There is no hope. You just try to think, 'What can I do? How do I do this?' You can't be sure you're even doing the CPR correctly. You just have to try. And, hopefully, something will work. But, not this time. I did CPR for 3 minutes straight and got no response. Every time I pumped on his chest, I kept thinking, "Please, please wake up you fucking idiot! Please. Please!" And every time I placed my mouth on his soft, cold lips, I thought about him being gone. I couldn't stop crying. I finally resorted to slapping him, screaming, and cussing. "Phil Lester, you fucking retard. Wake the hell up you little shit so I can tell you that I fucking love you! Bloody hell!"

Eventually, you just give up. I didn't want to, but I saw a white, folded piece of paper next to Phil's hand. I gave up on the obviously failed attempt at CPR and picked it up. Slowly, I unfolded the note and read.

Dan,

Hey, I'm so sorry. You are going to be the one to find me here. But, you said that I was screwing with your head and I didn't want to be a burden. But, before I die, I wanted to tell you how I feel. Daniel James Howell, I love you. And I know love is just a shout into the void and oblivion is inevitable, and we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been turned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we will ever have, and I am in love with you.

Yes, by the way I just quoted your favorite book. I did get around to reading 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green. You'll notice your copy is missing. I was hiding it and secretly reading it. It was supposed to be a surprise, Dan. If you look under my mattress, you'll find it.

I was going to tell you about my feelings a long time ago. But, I was scared of rejection. Well Yolo right? Then this confession can't kill me later. Please laugh at that. Please. Don't cry. I'm going to miss you a lot Dan. And there's so much I didn't get to do. I never even got to kiss you goodbye. Oh well.

Love You,

Phil Lester 3

**Hey, Demons! I'm back! I hope you enjoyed having your feels broken. :P I obiously don't own 'The Fault In Our Stars', I still don't like typing the obvious. Anyway, my boyfriend, Michael, is being adorable. 3 If he is reading this, Love you baby! And my friend, Kat, and her boyfriend, Hao, are reading my fanfictions and being super supportive. You guys rock. By the way, Kat and I are planning a Co-Lab fanfic together. It will be awesome so stay tuned for that. It will be Vocaloid/ Horror Movies. So stay tuned for that. I will post 2 or 3 more chapters of this fic though. So, as always, keep fighting! 3**

**-Kit**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- POV Unknown

Dan was crying. Phil loved him. What an insane concept. After all this time, and all this pain, Phil had actually loved him back. Dan couldn't stand it any longer. Phil was dead. If there is a god, he was about to meet him, because this world without Phil was killing Dan. But, Dan wouldn't be as stupid as Phil had been. Phil had stabbed himself in the stomach; he probably didn't even hit any major organs. Dan would go the quickest way. As he heard the ambulance, he ran into the bedroom, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

As he wrote something down, tears drenched the paper. Closer and closer, the sirens blared. But, by the time they were right outside the flat, Dan was already sitting on the floor of the bathroom. Grabbing the knife, Dan reached for Phil's hand. Dan thought he felt warmth; he must have been mistaken. Taking a deep breath in, Dan placed the blood covered knife over his fast-beating heart.

Voices of the paramedics rang through the flat, looking for them. Dan pulled the knife back, and rammed it into his heart. The world was dimming and beginning to fade away. But, Dan wasn't dying fast enough. He ripped out the knife. This action caused him to bleed out even more. From behind him, Dan heard a female paramedic yell, "Over here!" Dan took one more look at Phil. And the world went black…

POV Phil

I woke up from my long dream. There were paramedics here in my bathroom. I looked to my left, and I saw Dan. "Dan!" I tried to scream. But, it hurt. I couldn't move. As the paramedics tried to move me out of the flat and into the ambulance, all I could think was the Dan looked like a bloody white rose. He was so pale and fragile. The blood was everywhere. The world disappeared again. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital room. But it didn't look like a normal hospital room.

I found the remote and pressed the nurse call button. Sharp pains developed in my stomach and a nurse came in. "Hello, I'm Molly. I am your nurse." she said in a high pitched voice that I'd call sweet, and Dan would call annoying. "Phillip Michael Lester, how are you?" She asked on smiling at me, waiting for an answer.

"Where's Dan?" That's all I said. Molly was so happy until I said that. Her, as Dan would say, horrendous, smile dropped to a frown. She reached into her pocket and took out a folded piece of printer paper.


	6. Chapter 55

"Daniel James Howell," Molly, my nurse, began to say, as she fiddled with the paper. I knew what she was saying. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But, I didn't. "is dead." Tears threatened to escape my eyes and I tried so hard to keep them there. Because, if I cried, Dan would have called me a wus. "From what we can gather, he had been cutting for a long time now, and you found out. You two fought and he ran out. We think he said something that triggered you to stab yourself, luckily, hitting no major organs. He came home and did CPR on you for a while, then he stabbed himself. This time, in the heart. He saved your life. His CPR restarted your heart. However, Dan didn't realize this before he committed suicide."

About now, I began to cry. Most of what Molly said was true. But, she had said "Luckily". Molly, my nurse, had said it was lucky that I hit no major organs. It wasn't lucky. No. It was downright torture. She walked closer to me, still fiddling with the piece of paper. "Listen," she said. "It's tough to get over things like this. What is happening to you happened to me too. That is why I took this job. You are under suicide watch for the next 3 weeks. Then you can go home and live the life Daniel Howell never got to live. You'll see a regular therapist and have to tell his and your fans what happened, but you have you whole life ahead of you." She patted my hand and sneakily handed me the paper. Then she walked out of the room.

In Dan's handwriting, on the front of the paper, was neatly written, 'Why?'. I set down the folded piece of paper and stared at it. I could have just stared at it, but I didn't. As I stared at the lifeless piece of paper, I couldn't get that image of Dan out of my head. My fragile, pale, blood covered love, laying lifeless on our bathroom floor, holding my hand. My bloody white rose. My. Bloody. White. Rose. Dead.

I eventually unfolded that piece of paper. I was expecting something big and extravagant. Dan's legacy, how he wanted to be remembered. Instead, I was greeted by a poem. It was an original poem by Dan. How odd.

Don't ask why. It is completely obvious.

Look at the facts. The Phan girls were right.

Phil is now gone, because, I was oblivious.

Now, I hope I look good in white.

From the first time I saw his face

I knew I was in love

But I chose that metal blade

And now I screwed it all up

I cannot tell you to remember me.

This is the fate I chose.

From my fears, I will be free

With Phil, My bloody white rose

I'll miss you internet; See you soon Phil

Daniel James Howell

**Hey, my demons! How are you? Anyway, the last chapter and this one are all one chapter. I had to post them separately. This has been fun writing. Only one chapter left; can you believe it? I feel like the new Stephen Moffat, if you know who that is. I've been staying busy. I joined my schools soccer and robotics team and we've been having summer practices. I can't wait until school starts. Mostly because, last year's English teacher, Mrs. Brim, told me that I would love the literary work this year. AND WE ARE DOING A MUSICAL! This year, my freshman year, will be the best! That, I can guarantee. My only problem is my two besties, Kaylea and Seth broke up. Then, the next day, Seth almost asked me out! I have a boyfriend, who I've been planning on breaking up with for a while now. But, Seth has always been there for me. Always. I asked 3 of my other closest friends and 2 of them said to go out with Seth. The third one, Kat, had no opinion because Hao, who I talked about earlier, is her first boyfriend ever. The Danielle, one of my friends, told me not to ask Kaylea if she was OK with me dating him. I don't know guys. If you have any life changing advice, please review and tell me. I need help. And if this fanfiction is getting over 80 reads, THANKS by the way for that, the by gosh, I'm going to ask the internet. So, like, review, follow, it helps me out a lot. And Stay tuned. One more chapter, THE HEART RENCHING CONCLUSION! I just have to decide whether or not to let Phil live… **

**-Kit 3**


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- POV Phil

Three months. For three months I put up with my therapist who I would have thought was a nice lady before Dan died. Per her suggestion, I kept up with my Youtube. I even got onto Dan's Youtube and posted a video for his fans telling them that he died. I watched his subscriber count almost disappear.

But, there were 3 people still subscribed. 2 of them still rewatched his videos and commented often. It was a girl and a guy. They were subscribed to me too. We got in touch and I met the girl. She was American and was very nice. Also my therapist's idea. For paying for her flight, she thanked me. We lived together for a month. She moved out a week ago.

Now, there were no distractions. All this time I was planning how to die, and I am done waiting. Every comment I read, "Sorry bout' your friend bro.", "We all truly miss Dan.", and more recently, "Hey, sorry bout Dan and all but, now you can tell us if Phan was real…" I eventually told them the full story.

Dan and I didn't know we loved each other. I caught him cutting. He ran out. I thought he hated me. I stabbed myself. He found me and did CPR which saved my life. He didn't know I lived. He stabbed his self as the paramedics arrived. I woke up and saw his dead body next to me, holding my hand.

Mostly, they were all happy and sad. Reading the comments, I felt melancholy. It was the most liked video me and Dan ever had. I posted it on the one month anniversary of Dan's death. I drank a lot that day. If Dan was there, and I like to think he was, he would have taken the bottle away from me. But I kept going for it. It's been three months today since he left.

Now, everyone has moved on. But, I haven't. I see Dan every night in my dreams, and the person that I now call 'Dead Dan' in my nightmares. But, now, I'm going to be free. I walk into the bathroom where we both died. I was wearing one of Dan's favorite shirts. On my bed, I set out the tux I had in my closet. I bought it while I was planning Dan's funeral. I was half laughing and half crying as I tried it on. It was the same tux that Dan was to be buried in. Well, we'll match in death.

I wrote a note simply saying, "Bury me in this." Then I walked over to the radio and played me and Dan's song. I blared it through the halls as I grabbed the box of Dan' stuff and pulled out his blanket. I wrapped it around my shoulders. I walked to my inevitable death.

I sat down on the floor and wrote my last words…

Every one of you thought I was doing so well. Sorry, but I wasn't. Dan died and said he'd see me soon. And he will. Sorry, to my ex- roommate who moved in a month ago. Sam, you were amazing but, I have to do this. Sorry, to my and Dan's fans. Sorry, to the Phangirls, for not realizing I love him sooner. Sorry, to my nurse, Molly. I'm really sorry about what happened to you. But, I can't live without him any longer. There was nothing any of you could have done. I'm just sorry. But, don't cry for me. Because, I'll be with my bloody white rose, I'll be happy. Daniel James Howell, I'm coming for you.

Sad. That's how I feel. Sad. And angry. I lost him. The only person that I ever truly loved is dead and I couldn't help him. Sad and angry, but not scared. Just… sad and angry.. and alone. "I love you, Dan"

**Sorry, my lovely demons! It's all over. That was the last chapter of this fanfiction and it's mostly bittersweet. I'm sad because this was awesome to write. But, I'm also very happy because, now I can start a new fanfic and work on that Co-Lab fic I told you about. You can expect 2 new fics posted soon. The Vocoloid Horror Story and another one. I don't know what the other one will be yet. I'm thinking Johnlock, TenRose, or Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian Michaelis (Who do not have a proper ship name). I guess we will see. Kat, if you're reading this, 'Hiii-eee'. Hao, if you're reading this, "Reminder, if you break Kat's heart I will torture you until you beg for death, which you will not receive." And Seth, if you're reading this, "You're an Awesome boyfriend!" Anyway, I got to go my Demons. Like, review, follow, it helps me out a lot. As always, Keep Fighting! **

**-Kit 3**


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